Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Ok, this post is here because i don't like the feeling of being shot in the dark and die without knowing why. Somehow i feel that i'm being seen as a back-stabber or some psychopath who is attention-deficient who tinks too much.
Well, if you tink i tink too much, then i tink you tink too much.
Here's the thing. We had dinner. Wf told me abt the other points of view. It is no bitching session. Its just PART (geddit, part) of wad we chatted abt. Ok, here's my point of view. Whether you see this or not, i dun care.
It's true that i was unhappy over some stuff during the tw trip but to me that was never an issue. What's more, a few days after the trip, i went for a camp. I had great fun. I can't wait to embrace my new life out there waiting for me. So do you seriously tink i still remember wad the hell happened? So i never rly raise this issue up with anyone.
Ok, But when you go out with someone and this person ask you directly in your face or someone called you and asked you specially: What did you think of your trip? Do you tink its fun?
So how am i to answer?
Hem and haw thru the ENTIRE convo? Or only say how smashing and fantastic the whole thing was when you dun rly tink so?
Well, i suck at lying and i see no need why i need to. And in a conversation, you just talk. Well, so i just said how i feel.
Simple as that.
And if you tink that the whole chups issue is a breach of trust, well, here's wad happened. I admit, when i first heard about all the crap abt how bad a person chups was, how she bad mouthed me, i totally buy it. I mean, its convincing. It's abt ME! So i took part in agreeing that chups was perhaps not that trustable. My opinion of chups changed. I admit. I'm not afraid to say so. I did not like chups at that point of time. I did talk abt you chups.
(sorry, chups (:)
But there's TWO sides to a coin. After some days, i thought abt it and i couldn't just agree with the mere testimonials of someone else. I mean, i don't like grey areas. To me, it's either white or black. It's either i like you or i don't. I'm sorry if i seem inflexible, but that's the way i am. I can see you for everyday for 5 days and i still can't remember your name or i can know you for a long time but still can't get your eye-candy right. Well, sorry, i can't really bother, you just don't interest me that much. On the other hand, there are pple whom i want to know what you've been up to and keep in touch with you and your life.
So to get rid of this grey area, i clarified with chups whether she did bad-mouthed me before behind my back. Well, and just like wad normal logical adults do, i asked, i got an answer. And yep, she's innocent. Even maybe she did say smth unpleasant but it's not with malice. And surely, such an act is not that unforgivable. So i enquired her abt the whole matthew issue, i need to know what is her point of view. I need to know what kind of person she really is if i'm to remain a friend of hers. So mainly, wf, chups and me met up for dinner. And that's all. There is no any clandestine meeting sessions to tok abt anything. Anyway, after i heard her side of story, i gave mine. Which is what i had heard abt her.
All i gave was an account of what i heard. If you tink that makes me a back-stabber, fine! that's ok. There was no malice nor slander in wad i said. I can swear upon my heart, my life, as well as the lives of pple whom i hold more dear than my own which are my parents, sis and dog that i did not say anything bad or demeaning untruths abt anyone. I despise hypocritical pple who bad-mouthed others and I AM FONG MIN YI, NOT SOME LOW LIFE-FORM who spends all my time talking abt other pple. So if you're such a scum, well to quote: get out of my elite uncaring face.
Seriously, i've much better stuff to do than harp on old stuff and talk about you. I'm busy handling SIX kids tuitions, while going to hk and camps, while trying to meet up with friends and family. It's not easy, i tell you. My tutee's moms send me emails asking for a lesson plan. I machiam haf to work out a proposal. They demand results. If i can't show any, i'm out. And my mom's been giving me shit on why i'm not at home for dinner 6 days out of the entire week.
Well, so after i gave a fair and unbiased account of what i heard, I HAF NO CONTROL OVER WHAT OTHERS TINK OR FEEL OR WHAT THEY WILL SAY OR HOW THEY WILL REACT!!
I'm a human. Not god. Geddit?
When i heard abt how some old zhss pple ask abt this, i'm like wtf?! I din even tell anything to my grp of zhss frens. If my speech alone can sway so many other grown-ups capable of their own thinking, well, then i must say, i'm rly proud. ha. I shld start persuading others to vote me to be the next prom queen.
Ok, I admit i may have not have handled everything in the best possible way. Or that i may haf talk or wrote stuff without tinking properly and without tinking of the consequences. But honestly, i din tink that far far off. Its like wth!
I'd forgotten and put down the entire issue. Wad's the issue by the way? I couldn't rly tink of any. Then until a few days ago, wf suddenly decided to come clean with plyn. Isa and i were horrified. Why bring things up again? Ok, but i accept that they will be seeing each other very often so i respect her decision. Just say wadever you want and do as you deem fit.
So they had an amiable woman to woman talk, from wad i heard. Becos there were some stuff which were supposed to be sworn to secrecy was revealed. Like wth! secrecy my foot! blah! tok abt breach of trust! Then wf spent 1 hour persuading me telling me that she's done her best and now it's my turn. Ok, i dun really understand wad's going on at that point of time so i tried to set things straight, i tried to patch things up and make everything right again.
I sent the email. I sent it with sincerity and with goodwill. WITH HOPE. WITH FAITH! I sent it because i care because i value this friendship. And NOT out of some guilty conscience or wadever. Damn it! I spent a whole damn load of effort on it. It has a theme some more sia... LOTR! my favourite show man, but apparently, that was worthless to some's eyes. Even the email begged to be replied, but unfortunately it was too worthless to be even acknowledged. Basic courtesy anyone? Just for your info, i checked my inbox after i woke up, after i had lunch, before i had dinner, after i had dinner and before i sleep. I checked my phone every 30 mins. This cycle continued until monday night. When i got a reply thru wf. Guess wad, sms are rly expensive nowadays, typing proved to be too mentally exhausting.
But that's ok. I can accept that. So i ate more humble pie and send a heartfelt sms worth 4 msgs. I need a closure. I couldn't keep hearing stuff from a filtered source. I was tinking if stuff cld get settled by that day, things cld go back to before. We cld go biz rag tgr. It'd be good to know some pple before sch starts. But yeah, i was stupid. I was foolish enough to tink that perserverance will get you somewhere.
Ok, that's good, i got a closure worth a few words.
Please get this right. There is absolutely no need for me to try so hard at all. I did not need anything from you. I owe no one nothing. I did everything out of goodwill, with sincerity and with hope. I am ready to accept different opinions, to admit my mistakes, to apologise, to eat humble pie. But if in your opinion, even after knowing me for a long time, you tink i'm just some low-life back-stabbing scum, well, good for you. I haf nothing to say. It's your own decison. I respect that. Time will show. This post is to set the record straight, to satisfy my desire to leave the black/grey area.
I'll never comment on anything about this ever ever again. Because, i don't really need all these shit. I haf spent enough tears and pain on all these. Because I haf done my best. I haf done more than what i should and what i wanted when nobody cared about this. Do you tink i'm not tired? I haf put this down so many times only to see things get raked up over again and again. I'm utterly sick of being the one who keeps trying when there is no need for me to. So this marks the end.
This blog was started back in j1 and lasted till now. This blog shall die. Because a part of me died today. There will be a new one. I'll post the address up shortly. I'm sorry this post has to be so depressing. I haf lots of happy things, meetings with great pple, gg to sch, hafing fun, 21st parties, fantasizing abt my own 21st bday party, lol, stuff going on in my life which i haven't blog abt. I'll post them in the new blog. Yep.
Good day and Good bye.