Friday, October 13, 2006
Nostalgia
School is officially ending. Well, its 2am now, but i can't sleep. So i just lay there and reflect on the past 2 years. Its not the first time but it seems especially poignant now.
You know, dear blog, i realised smth scary. I've a lot of regrets these 2 years. Its just a very short span of 2 years, but the amount of regrets i'd accumulated seemed to be more than my zhonghua days. I feel that these 2 years are very tumultuous, there are periods of very unhappy times as well as times of estacy.
In my zh days, there're probably 2 things which i've regretted. The first one is quitting bball, but there were some stuff which made some of us think quitting is better, nah, forget it, self-censorship. The second is not working hard for the Os and ending up in AJ. I was seriously, lethally addicted to AOM at point of time and i can only blame myself for it, but I suppose there are merits as well.
I remembered Ms chan once said that we live only once and we shld just go for it and not have any regrets in our life. She meant it as a passing comment in the midst of scolding us for failing social studies continuously, but it had a large impact on me. I think i'm the only one who remembered what she said that day. But you know, dear blog, i am such a whimp. I have more regrets now than in zh. As i reflect, there are many many things which i could have handled in a better way.
I also realised that its really difficult to have one best friend for the rest of your life. As everyone goes to different schools and everyone move on and new people come and go, its difficult to maintain the same scenario as in the past. So you'll have new friends, new best buds as you move on, but you know dear blog, there's a lot of ambivalence. This forms another regret as you realise you haven't form any best buds whom you can have heart to heart talks with, as in really freely confide without a single care in the world. I kinda miss those days when i would call you for math answers and can just suan each other for 1hr and feel extremely happy even when you won in suanning me.(i lose on purpose one, k) Do you know dear blog, that there are times in school when i'm surrounded by people, but i still feel lonely? I dunno why, everything seems great but somehow, somehow, its as if you're sent to conventry. Ok, not that serious but just, just, i dunno how to explain it. It can seem unreasonable.
And you know, dear blog, i think i'm the only one who cares enough to look through all the old files, find the suitable pics, burn them into a disc, go print them, cut out coloured paper using that chopping board thingy and squeeze my brains out despite my SATs in abt 26hrs which i haven't studied.
Foolish eh?
I think i am. Shit, why am i so truthful here?
listening to gravity now is making me feel worse. I feel so fricking lonely and small now.