Monday, April 24, 2006
Beneath the facade
You know smth? I really missed it. I missed those times. I missed the adrenaline rush. I remembered how i cried when we lost the very first. I remembered how exhilarated i was when despite his negativity, we won the 2nd.
I had the chance. I gave it up. I know my limitations and i regret it. I was given another again. Again, i gave it up.
Regret is bittersweet.
Has it ever occurred to you that many opportunities were presented in your lives and you never cherish them? Has it ever occurred to you that second chances were given to you again and again, but you just watch it flitter past?
When i read the story of joan, and there's this thing about once a rafflesian, always a rafflesian. So what am i? Frankly, i don't know. I am not an elite academic, nor an athlete, neither am i a musical virtuoso. I failed in pratically all aspects of my life. I am just a loser.
At the end of everything, there's nothing to my name. Whatever can you write for my eulogy? The life i've led, in all its entity? My tears, my triumphs, my pain, my love.
Its all about contradictions now. Its about clashing emotions, deep longing and tired hearts. Yes, the heart can get tired of breaking, do you know? When its being chipped off incessantly, till the pieces started to crack, then crashes in a portentous instant.
I hate being a loser. And i hated feeling like one even more. Where was the time when we were in our own little world, cocooned from all the realities of life.
Words which should have no meaning, not any more, except for a tug of regret. Regret is bitter-sweet.